E and her ex

My wife recently told me she had sex with her ex about 12 years ago... shortly after we married. I have become obsessed with it.

She first started having sex with him... her next door neighbor... the kid who used to beat me up when I was little... after she and I broke up after high school. She went over to talk to him as a friend after we were married. One thing led to another. And they had sex in his garage... or tried to. He could not get it up. I guess he felt guilty about fucking a married woman.

It breaks my heart every time I think of it. It hurt me in ways I cannot describe. I cried for days...  randomly... unexpectedly I would break down in sobs. Because she cheated on me, yes. But also because I was obviously not there for her. Because I did not ... cannot... fill some emotional need that she had... that perhaps she still has. That I was her second choice.

She got caught up in the moment. She broke her vows. She hid it for years. It tore her apart. I hate that I was not the man she needed me to be and that I was not the man she felt she could open up to and share this guilt/pain/regret.

It tears me up that I am a hypocrite. I once let another man suck my cock... and had his cock in my mouth... after we were married. I guess I justify it in my own mind that there were no emotions. He was a stranger. I never saw him again.

Her ex was the one she loved her whole life growing up. Her first crush... Just as she was mine. I know how I felt about her. I know how much it hurt to not have her in my life after we broke up after high school. I know how lucky I am to marry the one person in the world I wanted to share my life with. I know how much she must be hurting every single day to not have him in her life.

I can only imagine how much it must have hurt for her to realize he never wanted a relationship. He only wanted the sex... even as she kept letting him fuck her. Even as she hoped it could someday lead to more. I wish I could take that pain away.

I can't stop fantasizing about the two of them together. I picture them in my head having sex in the different positions she described. I look for porn that looks like them. I have almost 200 such images on my computer now. I imagine she is fucking him when she has sex with me. I think about the two of us sucking his cock together... about he and I fucking her together. About kissing her with his cum in our mouths. About watching the kids while she goes out with him to dinner. And even while it all turns me on... it breaks my heart again every time. I don't know how to stop.

I wish I could watch them fuck. I don't know why but I want her to cheat on me again. With him. Because I know she loved him so much. I want to be there to hold her when she comes back from him... hurt that he does not love her back. I want to give her what he won't. She deserves to feel loved. She deserves to feel happy... even if it comes at my expense.