Open Letter to a Young Woman Whose Ex-Boyfriend Posted Their Sex Pictures on the Internet.

Dear Somebody's Ex-Girlfriend,

The first things I noticed were your big smile, your sparkling brown eyes gazing with love and playfulness at the camera, and the gooey stripes of fresh warm cum across your face. Mmm...

The next thing I noticed was the title of the picture: SlutExGFRevenge102.jpg. It was a deflating discovery. I was in the midst of an extended wank; a long, one-handed, internet porn-crawl; surfing a Usenet archive site. The wank was over for a while.

I'm fond of pictures with attractive amateurs, especially if they have at least a decent sense of lighting and composition. While there's a place for studio-tanned professionals and glossy hi-res porn, there's something special about actually sharing someone's authentic, exhibitionist sexuality. But what I most emphatically don't want to participate in, is someone's authentic betrayal and violation.

Masturbating to pornography is not a solo act, but an act involving various people: The exhibitionist talent, and the voyeur-wanker, to name only two. Under better circumstances, this is great; I love the idea that at least some of the men and women I look at are getting off on my voyeuristic gaze.

But when the sexually explicit pictures are made (or circulated) without someone's permission, that's a violation, a betrayal. And by viewing it, I am at least in danger of participating in that violation.

To you, the lovely young woman whose trust was violated by your angry ex-boyfriend, into whose sexual intimacy I looked without permission, here is what I wish to say:

First, and most importantly: I'm sorry.

I am sorry both that your trust was betrayed, that someone has hypocritically tried to make you feel bad about your sexuality. I'm an incorrigible voyeur, it's true, but a voyeur is not a peeper. I love to see what I am willingly shown, not to spy on what is private. I would not knowingly have invaded your privacy.

I also want you to know that you are lovely, respectable, sexy, healthy human being. There is no shame either in being a generous lover, or in having desires, or having a sexual body. If we were ever to meet, I would not feel the right to make any sexual remarks just because I've seen those pictures, nor to treat you with anything but respect. I would not think less of you as a potential date or partner, nor as a job applicant or student, nor as a relative. The shame is not yours. It all belongs to those who violated your trust. This means, mostly, your ex-boyfriend... and to a lesser extent people like me. For my part, as I have said, I am sorry.

I wish you to know how much better you come out of all this than your ex does. Even though we see little of him in the picture, he reveals himself to be cruel, selfish, hypocritical, stupid. He lacks respect, integrity and--perhaps most importantly--gratitude. He deserves to be alone, or with someone who refuses to share his fantasies, or express her own.

I hope that you can be philosophical about this... but what you choose to feel is of course not for me to decide. My hope is that if you are angry, that the anger is directed at the responsible parties, and not at yourself. I hope you can find some forgiveness for those of us who wronged you unintentionally. In all matters sexual, including masturbation and pornography, I love to be with people who are sexually open, full of desire and curiosity. I want a life full of people who are smart, funny, honest, curious, loving, healthy... and slutty. I love curious, open-minded men and women who have plenty desire and aren't ashamed of it. In other words, I suspect you are a great person.

However you choose to feel about this--amused, angry, or anything else--you have my apologies, my best wishes for a wonderful, safe life, with respectful friends and appreciative lovers.


The Mindful Wanker