"Do Not Use On or Around Mucous Membranes"

I think that's about as close as any shampoo, cream or other cosmetic product warning label will get to coming right out and saying: "Don't use this product as a jackoff lube!"

But how can they expect young, experimental masturbators to interpret that kind of talk-around-the-subject talk?

Mr Ally asked me the other day if I had posted about his "Herbal Essence Tragedy" on my blog yet. And indeed I haven't yet! The story sort of tells itself without telling, but here goes:

As a young masturbator, Mr Ally experimented with many food items, household objects, and slippery substances in his quest for the perfect jackoff assistant (which turns out 25 years later to be ME, but that's another story...) One day, he sees the Herbal Essence ("the green kind", he says), in the shower. Naked penis + privacy of the shower + slippery shampoo = perfect opportunity for masturbation!

Not so faaaaaast...

Long story short, this innocent attempt at a quickie orgasm turns into a weeks-long affliction with a red, scaly, flakey, peeling penis.

Not sexy.

"Did you tell your mom? Did you go to the doctor?"

"No way!" he says. "I didn't want them to know that I was masturbating!"

Poor little Mr Ally! So he dealt alone with the fear that he would wake up one of those frigtening days during the Herbal Essence affliction and his poor little penis would have sloughed off during his sleep.

Fortunately for both of us, that didn't happen.

But he asked that I give the warning to the young masturbators of the world, and so, I have.